Comedy

Ideas for a possible ABC-TV Sit-Com based at a fictional airfield somewhere on the Australian Coast!

Working Title: The Caretakers

N.B. All the amusing anecdotes below refer to previous caretakers and owners of the airfield and not the current ones.

All of the below actually did happen with the occasional slight exaggeration! The account of the breakfast is an amalgamation of many occurrences over the years.

Chop-Chop

Caretaker’s thriving chop-chop distribution business operating out of the airfield by ultralight aircraft ferrying - received from caretaker’s PO Box from tobacco growers in Far North Queensland. Catalogue available with variously alcohol flavoured tobaccos: rum, brandy, whisky, avocat etc.

Caretaker’s personal PO Box taken over by new owner so he could operate his wife-swapping Swinger’s Club through it.

Aero Club is a cover story for the swinger’s club.

Crashes & Ashes

Ashes deposited in front garden of airfield at $200 per urn! Crematorium by the front car park. Don’t pay up – ashes removed!

Scattering of ashes by air resulted in pilot and plane interior covered with ash and some of it actually on the airfield.

Fatal crash sites still in situ by the airfield with only the bodies removed.

Crash at end of airfield. Caretaker’s dog thinks he is going for a swim at lagoon adjacent to crash site, not to rescue the pilot.

Disappearing Air Cadet

That sinking feeling as air cadet on camp has the ground open up beneath him as a sinkhole opens up where old car bodies were carelessly buried 20 years before.

Food poisoning as penny-pinching airfield owner cooks up left over potatoes found at Air Cadet campsite to spin out the Friday night roast.

Marijuana

Ex-caretaker’s stash found months later germinating as healthy seedlings between the cushion and back-rest of the lounge suite in the clubhouse.

No one can sit on lounge suite most of the time because the dogs got there first.

Crash test dummy

Crash test dummy left on couch in the clubhouse, by the Emergency services chopper in between night winching exercises.

He is equipped for a night out with a six-pack of stubbies under his arm, a cigarette in his mouth and a string of condoms hanging out of one pocket.

One of the pilots’ wives, monumentally bored with the plane talk, and a little drunk, sits down next to the crash test dummy and attempts to strike up a conversation with him.

More Caretakers

Wipes himself out with his semi-lethal moonshine.

Owner’s errand boy pilot, hired by the owner to make surprise visits to check up on what the caretakers are up to, crashes his plane under suspicious circumstances on the way to an airshow. Caretakers, who are normally 4.30 a.m. early risers, sleep in till 7.30 a.m. the morning after his crash!

Another owner flies in unannounced accompanied by his prim and proper wife to see his caretaker mowing the airfield on the tractor wearing a shirt but no trousers or even underwear.

Angry Bee

Illegal clandestine bee-hives located in bush on runway’s edge. Solitary angry bee chases pilot with bee-allergy up runway and bites him on the face to the amusement of passengers and caretaker. Esky cooler bricks used to control swelling around one eye. Pilot with passengers takes-off with both eyes now open. Swelling returns and pilot has to land aircraft at destination airport with one eye completely closed and face grossly swollen on one side, maintaining depth perception by repeatedly moving his head.

Mid-night Flit

Visiting pilot staying in a caravan beside the runway decides around mid-night to have a pee outside as the toilet is a hundred metres away and everywhere is very quiet. While doing his business and enjoying a moonlit view of the runway, a group of stark naked young female flying instructors, who have presumably had a little too much to drink, come running past, shrieking and giggling in a wild sprint from one end of the runway to the other.

Hmm... he thinks, "Well this is Straddie, isn't it?"

The Fly in Breakfast

The previous evening is the roast dinner. The owner drinks heavily and the guests get into an argument with her over unwelcome suggestions about how the airfield could be run better. There is a mountain of dishes to wash. The dogs sit on the couches while the guests sit on the hard chairs. The shed is very hot and the sliding doors don’t open properly.

On the morning of the breakfast, the owner is still running round the clubhouse in her nightie, barking orders to the breakfast volunteers while drinking her coffee and swallowing multiple Panamaxes as the aircraft, pilots and passengers start to arrive for the breakfast…

She takes out sausages that have been in the freezer for several months from previous poorly attended breakfasts. One of the helpers objects and gets a glare in reply. The helpers don’t cut the fruit up properly and get more glares and reprimands.

The generator is not working properly and the water in the urn for the coffee is cold. Water has to be boiled on the stove. The bacon and eggs are warmed up in the gas oven and get dried out.

A plane then loses its front wheel and lands on its roof, closing the runway with more and more arriving aircraft circling above.  The backpacker parachutists in one of the hangars upend the plane and get the pilot out. The pilot starts swearing as someone has reported him to Emergency Services as he has had several previous incidents. The Rescue Helicopter arrives to investigate.

A strong wind blows umbrellas and some of the tables over. The dogs are nearly hit. A plane spins around in a circle and adds to the mayhem as it heads for the diners.

The owner gossips rudely about the pilots and their wives sotto voce to one of the breakfast helpers. When this lady is out of earshot she gossips rudely about her and her husband’s stinginess to the others.

Owner

Inherits airfield from womanising husband who is killed in a plane crash at airfield. Much drama at his funeral when at least three of his girlfriends turn up in tears, one of them heavily pregnant and the widowed wife, now new airfield owner looking daggers at each of them!

Knows nothing about aviation or running a business. She does however, have a prurient interest in the men (and women) who visit her airfield by making salacious and inappropriate remarks and invitations to them. Uses minders with whom she has long-standing secret contra-deals to run her airfield business for her.

Her minders start an aero club as a front organisation to run the airfield on behalf of her and her company. She is president of one and director of the other.

She particularly pursues tradies or those men who are handy and uses them to operate and maintain the airfield and repair equipment. Avoids payment of wages for any work done on the airfield under the guise that this is volunteer work for the club. Conversely, she refunds money for materials used and claims the invoices as a tax deduction for her company!

Aero club is closed down after a rumour is spread that her company can operate everything that the club does without having to deal with those pesky club members who keep asking awkward questions about where the money is going. Keeps up the pretence that the club still exists for years afterwards.

Owner frequently makes off with the cash float when she departs to the mainland leaving the caretaker to pay for the airfield dog's food out of the landing fees from the few itinerant aircraft that happen to drop by.

The Fire

Evacuated from fire threat to airfield Saturday p.m. under police escort - owner very drunk and unmanageable with increasingly worried caretaker trying to control her. Insists on driving her own car to Emergency Evacuation Centre(Bowls Club) and to everyone’s surprise arrives without crashing. Threatened with eviction as she has brought her wine cask and glass with her and has been spotted by Bowls Club management getting refills from her LandCruiser in the car park and bringing them into the licensed bar and club.

Caretaker rings around to regular pilots that he knows, asking for help about what he should do and advice on how to control her drinking.

The local police return them to the now fire-damaged airfield as soon as possible after the fire has died down. Somehow the emergency authority has not been informed of this and they are under the impression that the airfield is closed and still evacuated – not so! They eventually find out about this on Wednesday and re-evacuate everyone under threat of arrest - again!

Advertisement in the Positions Vacant section of the Aviation Trader:

"Airfield Caretaker Required.

Requirements: Need to be on a Pension, small amount paid fortnightly accordingly. Aviation knowledge preferred. General maintenance skills required. Able to use a tractor & ride on mower to maintain airstrip. A couple is preferred with own accommodation, ie: caravan. No power. Run on generator & solar power."

No water either if the tank stand collapses or the bore pump breaks down!

Owner constantly complains about how much fuel the caretaker uses in the generator, yet when she stays, the generator runs constantly every waking hour of the day!